As I sit here, writing, with an unlit cigarette in my mouth, not trying to quit, not trying to start, but just letting it dangle from my lips, I realized I smoked for so long because it was the only way I knew how to breathe and not kill someone. I smoked my anger and rage for so long. I hurt myself because I didn't want to hurt others. I have heard it said that smoking was some form of slow suicide, but I disagreed with that comment, because I found it meditative to breathe in the smoke, think of a solution, and burn up the anger and rage with each puff. I exhaled all of the darkness and thought of how the Native Americans used tobacco. They used it, we abused it. It wasn't about being cool, hip, or social smoking, as a matter of fact, smoking is very anti-social, but I never was the very social kind of gal. I usually go against a crowd because, well perhaps I just don't trust group think at all.
After all, group think usually has us killing each other off, looking for a scape goat to kill or terrorize. No, I would rather be that loner that stands and says, "No." I have heard a lot about people who have said that we need to be more positive, and I have sincerely given that a great deal of thought. However, we have to still clean the house. I usually equate positive thinkers to those who wish for something, but don't do anything. I think I have wasted a better part of a year just thinking about this. I think I was trying to assess my own mental state of polarity and I came up neutral. If you go overboard into the positive realm, perhaps you create a false vision; actually this might apply to both realms of thought.
What if you just take the polarity out of life? I thought about that for a moment. The world of science works that way. Nature works that way. So if I am unaffected by either, then I can let my rage go. The change agent is myself. However, no matter how many times people say these words, it's just air passing from their lips. Let's go back to the dirty house. The positive person looks at the house and says, "What a clean place this is." Perhaps believing their words to 'speak life' into the home.
The negative person walks in and observes with the kindness of the most vicious critic you can think of, "What a dump!" Have they spoken death on the place? Haven't they just made an accurate observation?
In both cases no one is doing anything about it.
I see myself as a neutral person. I will say, "What a dump." and I will look at the potential to transform it. I will start visualizing what I need to do, get the supplies, and clean it up and put my signature on the whole process. After I am done, I will smile, take a hot shower, and quite possibly, smoke a cigarette and wonder why I was so pissed off to begin with. Everything gets dirty. Clean it up.
So, those of you who know that I like to refer to pictures that I take along the way of this journey, here is the ribbon to tie this mess of words up. Many people go around looking for a sign of what to do next. Perhaps, not everything is so divine at the intersection of Cook and Rice street, perhaps it is; but do you really need a sign to tell you to make dinner?
Life is the act of living. Each day, you need to decide if you are creating or destroying. There are seasons for both.