Friday, July 6, 2012

Into the Night

Another sunset comes and the night was adorned with a full moon and mosquitoes as I went for a long walk with no particular destination in mind.  Tonight my heart is heavy, my stomach is in anxious knots, and there is a part of me that just can't wait to go out into the world again, but that is my own battle with my desires.  Usually, I have found that when I have my sojourns into a quiet space or place, it is a prelude to a lot of sifting.  It's more stuff that I have to come to terms with in this school of human experience.  Often, the lessons have been about thinking too much or not enough.  Sometimes they have been lessons about trust and how to actually listen to my instincts. 

This lesson was a familiar one, one about the human heart.  Do we often listen to ourselves when we are in our periods of seclusion?  Do we even know what to listen for when we have well meaning people telling us what they want for us and what they would love to see for our lives?
This week I came to terms with something that isn't easy for many people to talk about, independence.  Ironic, because this week was the celebration of our Independence Day and many other nations celebrate the establishment of their countries, more correctly, their governments as well.  Actually, we are globally evolving into Interdependence, but I am running away from my original line of self questioning.

At issue is my lack of interest in establishing relationships.  I, realized that it's a peculiar thing for many people to want to help me, because I keep hearing how I am attractive and shouldn't be alone.  This isn't about giving 'love' a chance, it's realizing I have no desire for that kind of relationship with men.  A friend of mine had once told me, "you know it's right when you can't live without them."  However, the truth is, do I even want that kind of relationship?  The answer is a resounding "NO". 
As I looked up into the night sky, I realized that what I wanted most was to view people the way I had when I was a young person.  I was content to be myself.  I was content with however many people were around me.  I was focused on my dreams and I wasn't focused on 'finding' someone.  Many people get addicted to the dramas that are created, the emotions and passions that get stirred and they call that "being alive'.  Sure, there are people that get excited by others. 

I have known that feeling, but too often we focus on the things that fade out in people.  I have come to a place in my life where I realized what my real desires are.  That is the real pursuit of happiness by finding out that in order to be independent, you must realize that no one can make you happy.  You are the only one in charge of your own emotions.

There are many people out in the world looking for someone to complete them.  The truth is, we were all born complete.  It's just our relationships, at times, we forget it's really a partnership, and the only way partnerships really work is if they travel together.

Nothing in this life works if it is forced.

The greatest fear people have is being alone.  The truth is, I am not alone, not lonely, but that most important part of my life is this journey.  What that will fully entail isn't even important.  What is important is the willingness to learn from it all.

The anxious knot in my stomach finally untied itself the moment I realized that I needed to stop conforming to what other people wanted for me.  It didn't have to make sense to them, it only needed to make sense to me.

Passion is an imitation of living that smolders with an intensity that is often misleading.  Love is consistent and when you follow your soul, it keeps you truthful.

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